Jealousy in Lesbian Relationships

Do you struggle with feelings of jealousy?

Jealousy is a really big deal.

Falling in love is scary, because we can get hurt.

And nobody wants to be betrayed or played for a fool.

But unwarranted outbursts of jealousy can be very damaging to relationships and can push otherwise loyal, loving partners away from us.

You see - Jealousy is a wave of painful insecurity and anger that comes over us when we believe our partner is giving romantic attention to someone other than ourselves…

And those feelings are valuable if your partner truly is unfaithful and dishonoring your relationship – because if that’s happening, the sooner you figure it out, the sooner you can separate and find a partner who is as committed as you are to the partnership.

But not all perceived threats are real or rational.

We can act out of jealousy, becoming angry and combative, even when our partner didn’t do anything wrong. And lashing out like that on someone who doesn’t deserve it isn’t fair.

If you are someone who is easily triggered by jealousy, it’s very important for you to be able to distinguish whether your jealous reaction is because your partner has wronged you (and there’s an actual threat to your relationship), or whether you’re simply feeling that way because of your own triggers and insecurities.

Women who can’t be trusted…

Now let me be very clear...There are some people who simply cannot be trusted.

And even non-jealous women can sometimes find themselves in relationships with partners who either make you jealous on purpose or who are incapable of being faithful.

Because some women simply live for making their partner jealous.

They get off on drama, so they’ll do things like make travel plans without you, visit an ex out of nowhere, and flirt with women in front of you and then pursue flirtatious friendships with them, because they know it will cause you to freak out and start a fight.

They want it that way because having peace, harmony and a loving connection feels boring and lame to them.

They prefer explosive relationships.

Meanwhile, other women use jealousy for power, because they know it’s a very effective tool for getting what they want. For example, if your partner wants to move into your apartment, but you aren’t ready, she can push your buttons by going apartment-hunting with her ex or some random friend you know is in love with her. This kind of emotional blackmail can torture you into letting go of the boundaries you set that she doesn’t like.

And other women are literally addicted to falling in love, and they have one affair after another, as a way of life.

They don’t look for a real match they can cherish for a lifetime, they just relish in the chase and the excitement and the attention, and they jump from entanglement to entanglement in search of that thrill.

Women like this will cheat on every partner they have, and nobody who gets into a relationship with them will ever be safe from that.

If you find yourself wrapped up with a partner who behaves in any of these ways, it’s inevitable that you will feel jealous, which can make you cling tighter to the relationship (allowing them to get away with more of whatever they’ve been doing).

But the important thing to realize is that there’s no way to be truly happy with a woman who leaves you feeling emotionally unsafe most of time. And relationships that lack a foundation of trust are toxic and miserable.

So the best thing you can do with a woman like that is let her go and cut off all contact with her so you can heal and free yourself to find someone who treats you better.

But most women aren’t like that…

Most women don’t behave the way the ones do in my examples above…

And most of the times when you feel jealous, it won’t be because of something so extreme.

So how can you figure out, when you start to spiral, whether you’re just being paranoid or whether you have something legitimate to worry about?

Navigating this question requires you to be very objective about what it was that caused you to get triggered.

Ask yourself: what did she actually do?

Did you feel her pulling away from you emotionally? If so, it could just mean she was in a bad mood or distracted for reasons having nothing to do with you or with another woman.

Or did you observe her doing the kinds of things that people wouldn’t do unless they were guilty in some way?

For example: is she suddenly hiding her phone and being extra shady with her screens? Is she suddenly talking a lot to someone else or bringing up one person in particular and taking exceptional interest in them? Is she uncharacteristically ignoring your messages when she’s out at certain times? Have you caught her lying about where she went or who she was with or who she talked to or whether she was in touch with someone?

If so, that doesn’t mean you should lash out on your partner in anger or go through her phone or computer.

The best thing you can do in that situation is talk to her about what’s going on.

And then the important question will be how she responds. Is she willing to talk through it or is she dismissive?

Dismissiveness is poison to any relationship. A partner who refuses to have difficult conversations and who doesn’t do her part to help you feel emotionally safe is only going to make you more paranoid, insecure and jealous.

And that’s a huge red flag, regardless of whether she has been unfaithful.

Sometimes it’s us not them…

But we also have to realize that sometimes we might feel jealous (and angry) simply because we are insecure and afraid of abandonment.

And it’s really unfair to be mean, combative or angry with partners who haven’t done anything inappropriate.

Here’s the bottom line…

At the end of the day, jealousy is a fear-based emotion.

We are afraid of rejection. We are afraid of being abandoned. And we are afraid of losing love because of the risk that we’ll never find it again.

But the good news is that there is truly nothing to fear.

Because hot lesbians are everywhere. And when one woman isn’t able to love you the right way, there is always someone else who can and will.

So even if, worst case scenario, you get cheated on, you always have the option to find another woman to be with you faithfully.

This world is full of amazing, loyal, open-hearted queer women who want to love and connect the same way you do, who would be just as attracted to you as you are to them if you ever were to meet.

There is no scarcity.

And women who don’t treasure you are a complete waste of energy.

So don’t let jealousy freak you out and until next time keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real and that if you’re not already in an amazing relationship, someone will be showing up in your life to share that with you in absolutely perfect timing.

With softness,

Jordana Michelle