This is really important, because these lies are self-defeating.
If you’re looking to find real love with a lesbian, buying into any one of these lies will be a major roadblock to finding her.
When we believe in these lies they psych us out, turn dating into a miserable experience and undermine our ability to connect with the right partner for the long-term.
Have you ever been frustrated trying to find love as a lesbian?
If so, then it might be because you’re believing one of these lies.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
That’s why I’m going to go through each lie one by one, and explain why you absolutely should not believe it.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from lesbians who are single is that it’s harder for us to find love than any other demographic.
And I can relate to feeling this way, because I didn’t meet the woman I’m going to marry until I was 41, and there were multiple years of my life when I had nobody to date and no idea how or when that would ever change.
The problem is that women are picky.
Because we’re women, we are extra picky about whom we’d actually want to date – and since the people we want to date are women too, they’re also picky, and there are fewer of them who’d want to date us.
So compared to straight people and gay guys, lesbians tend to go on far fewer dates when we are between relationships.
And that can feel like torture, when we're single and lonely.
But the fact that we go on fewer dates when we’re single doesn’t mean that finding love is harder.
We lesbians bring a u-haul to our second dates.
When two women who are a good match find each other, they tend to jump right away into having a relationship together, because they know how precious and rare it is to find a connection like that.
When you’re dating men it’s harder to get them to commit.
Lesbians don’t tend to have that problem. Lesbians are known to fall in love faster and easier than straight people or gay guys.
So the idea that it's harder for us to find love is simply not true – it’s a big fat lie.
Let me be very clear about something: Hot Lesbians Are Everywhere.
There are 8 billion people on this planet, half of whom are women. And one out of every ten women is LGBT.
Every day there are new queer women who are moving towns, breaking up, coming out of the closet and starting to date again.
You have no idea who’s out there and who’s not.
It’s easy for us to think about everyone we’ve ever met and convince ourselves that that’s the whole world.
But even if you go out and meet a million people, that’s not even one one-hundredth of a percent of all the humans alive.
There are more women out there for you to meet than you can possibly conceive of. It's just a matter of putting yourself out there to find them.
The idea that there’s nobody worth meeting is completely wrong, and when we let ourselves believe that, it becomes impossible to motivate ourselves to try. Because only a fool would try to find a thing that doesn’t exist.
So stop telling yourself that lie and remind yourself instead that hot lesbians are everywhere.
And then do whatever it takes to meet as many people as you can until you find the ones you share a mutual spark with.The third biggest lie in lesbian dating is that meeting women online doesn’t work…
Let’s be real about something: 99% of the time, when women are serious about finding a partner, the first place they look is on the dating apps.
If you don’t have a profile up on at least two or three of the best current apps, and if you’re not checking them regularly, then you’re easy to miss, even when the right women are looking for you.
And while it’s definitely true that a big chunk of the people you connect with on dating apps will be either scammers or swingers or cheaters or phonies – there are treasures buried to find there too, if you’re willing to dig through the garbage.
Dating apps have made it exponentially easier for women like us to find each other.
Online dating allows you to show up in any city, anyplace in the world and have your profile shown to all the other queer women in the area, to see who is available and attracted to you. That’s an absolute miracle compared to how dating used to be.
If you lie to yourself and say the apps don’t work you’re just throwing away one of the best resources queer women have ever had for finding love.
Look - there is almost nothing more painful than being left by someone we love and don’t want things to end with.
And it’s completely normal, when we’re broken-hearted and not yet over someone, to feel that nobody else will ever be able to make us as happy as she did.
But one of the most important things we must do as we’re healing our broken hearts is to let go of that story.
Because it’s completely made up.
You have no actual proof of how your ex compares to the rest of the queer women on earth, because there are 8 billion humans and you haven’t met even a fraction of a fraction of the smallest fraction of who’s out there.
The idea that your ex is better for you than anyone else ever could be is a story that you invented when you were a couple.
And that was great back then, because when we’re with someone, the more we tell ourselves they’re perfect for us, the easier it is for us to be a committed, loyal partner.
But once someone leaves you, she no longer deserves to be placed on a pedestal or idealized in your mind.
There is almost nothing more toxic to your present-day love life than glorifying a relationship you had in the past.
Your future love will be every bit as amazing as anyone you loved before.
No matter how wonderful your ex was, it’s simply a lie to tell yourself that you’ll never find anyone better. Don’t believe it.
Now I’ll admit – being single can feel very lonely. And sometimes when we’re single there are months, or even years that can go by, without us meeting someone we’re excited about who wants us back.
It’s common for women who exclusively date women to be single and alone for long stretches of time.
And I’ve been there just as much as anyone else.
And despite how much I longed for love, there were years that went by when I couldn’t find anyone I wanted to date, didn’t have anyone to be intimate with, and was stuck completely alone.
That was extremely frustrating and painful to live through.
During those times of loneliness it’s easy to get insecure and start to question ourselves. – It’s normal to feel like there’s something wrong with us, that we’re not getting chosen because we’re inadequate or not good enough. And the more we believe that, the less possible it seems that we’ll ever actually find the kind of love that works.
But it’s very important not to let yourself get manipulated by that lie.
Being single is not a permanent condition in your life.
And the past is not a reflection of your future.
You are guaranteed to find someone to love - as long as you continuously grow as a person, put yourself out there to meet new people and avoid wasting time chasing women who don’t reciprocate your feelings.
Telling yourself that you’ll end up alone just puts you in a weakened position, and that negativity (even if it’s subtle and subconscious) automatically makes you less attractive to other women. It’s a self-inflicted wound that you need to avoid giving yourself.
Because women will think you’re way hotter if you walk around with the attitude that you know, for sure, that you’re going to find an amazing partner, whether it’s her or someone else.
And that’s what you SHOULD believe, because it’s an absolute fact.
Anytime you hear one of these lies come up in conversation or in your head, try to remember as quickly as possible, to disregard it entirely.
You deserve to feel optimistic and excited about the future. Because this world is full of queer women who will be just as attracted to you as you are to them when you finally meet. And it’s just a matter of time before you cross paths with one of them, and together you’ll have the opportunity to build a relationship and make each other happier than you’ve ever been.
And that’s the truth.
So until next time keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.
If you want lesbian dating advice from me more often, follow me on Instagram @jordana.michelle.
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