The inevitable truth is that some women lie.
And when women lie to us when we’re dating them, it can cause a lot of problems.
Lies can cause us to trust people we wouldn’t trust and to fall for people that we otherwise never would have gotten involved with if she hadn’t lied.
When we believe a lie, we can end up saying and doing and deciding things we wouldn’t say or do or decide, if we knew the truth.
Lies can cause us to trust people we wouldn’t trust and to fall for people that we otherwise never would have gotten involved with if we knew the full story.
That’s why it can feel so unfair when women lie to us.
It’s hard to know if we’re being lied to.
And it’s tricky because we have to balance between protecting ourselves from women who lie, but not in a way where we get jaded and mistrusting and closed off to deep connection and happiness in love.
What we want is to be smart and realistic – not paranoid and fearful…
The way to be smart and realistic (when trying to figure out if the person we’re dating is lying) is to remember that “how we do one thing is how we do everything.”
In other words – human beings tend to be consistent.
If a person is dishonest with one person, they’re probably dishonest with other people as well.
So even if we don’t know someone is lying directly to us, we can look for signs of dishonesty in the way they are with other people.
In general, there are 4 main reasons why women lie.
I’m going to talk about each one…
The first reason women lie is because of insecurity and/or shame.
Insecurity and shame can cause people to be dishonest.
There are countless reasons people might be insecure and ashamed:
When people are insecure and ashamed about things like this, they might lie, to avoid having their truth exposed.
My heart goes out to anyone who is haunted by insecurity and shame from a traumatic past. (Usually they’re not trying to cause any harm when they lie about these things.)
But the danger of building a relationship with someone who’s being dishonest is that the longer she hides things from us, the more she’d be afraid of us finding out about the lies she’s hiding. (Because the deception feels deeper the longer it goes on.) So the longer she keeps us in the dark about her lie, the more she might not trust that we’d forgive her if we found out...
And if she thinks we’re eventually going to find out and freak out, she might start to pre-emptively emotionally distance herself from us, as a form of self-protection.
Remember: “how you do one thing is how you do everything.”If a woman is lying to us because of shame and insecurity, there’s a good chance that we’re going to notice her tell a lie to someone else, to cover up something she’s ashamed of and/or insecure about.
That’s why, if we ever notice a woman we’re dating tell a lie about something she’s insecure about, it might be a warning sign that there are things she’s hiding from us, too…
The good news about this kind of lie is that it’s usually not coming from a bad place.
And one of the most beautiful parts about being in an intimate relationship with someone is the healing aspect of showing our partner all of our deepest fears and insecurities and being accepted, regardless.
That’s why discovering a lie that was meant to cover up shame could be an opportunity for you to let her open up completely in the safety of your acceptance and understanding (which would bring you even closer together.)
The second reason women might lie is because they are a people-pleaser.
People pleasing can cause people to be dishonest.
For people’ pleasers, it’s very hard to disappoint others. It’s very hard for a people-pleaser to say or do things they think won’t please the other person.
People pleasers want to make everyone else feel good. It’s easier for them to “go along with” whatever others want (in order to make them feel good) than it is to be honest about what they really feel or what they really want or what they’re really about.
If we’re dating a people-pleaser and she thinks we want her more than she wants us, she might feel bad and act as though she’s just as interested as we are (to avoid hurting our feelings.)
The danger for us is that if she’s acting interested (simply because she’s a people pleaser), and we believe that she’s interested (based on her actions), then that could cause us to fall for her more than we otherwise would.
It’s normal for us to get more invested in someone if we think she’s really into us.
Another danger is that if she’s acting like she enjoys all the same things we enjoy (simply because she’s a people pleaser), but in reality, she doesn’t genuinely enjoy the same things… we could end up building a relationship with someone based on an act they were playing, not their true self… And there will inevitably come a day when she gets sick of pretending. And she might resent us for all the times she did things she didn’t want to be doing, (even though we didn’t realize that’s what she had been doing…)
Remember: “how you do one thing is how you do everything”…
If we see the person we are with is a people pleaser with others… if we see her lie to other people, in order to avoid disappointing them or in order to fit in better… it might be a warning sign that she has also lied to us about some things, in order to avoid disappointing us and/or in order to fit in better with us...
People pleasers usually don’t mean any harm.
It’s important for our partners to feel safe enough to show us their full truth.
If we notice that the woman we’re with is a people-pleaser, that means she doesn’t feel safe to be fully honest with others about what she genuinely thinks and feels and wants.
By creating a safe space for her to express what she genuinely thinks and feels and wants, we can help her grow stronger as a person while also growing closer as a couple.
The third reason women lie is because of confusion.
Some women legitimately don’t know themselves and don’t know what they want.
The more unsure someone is about who they are, where they’re going and what they want, the more they might lie…
When people are confused, they often “hedge.”
To hedge is to lie in a way that keeps our options open…
A hedge is a lie that’s told to avoid having to make a decision.
If a woman is confused about what she wants, the safest thing for her to do is keep all of her options open for as long as possible, so she isn’t forced into a choice she doesn’t know how to make.
How do women who are confused keep their options open, when dating?
Let’s be honest… It’s not very romantic to tell someone “I’m not sure if I really like you, but I want to still have the choice to date you, if I change my mind.”
The way for a confused woman to “keep her options open” in dating is to lie and act as though she’s not confused. (To lie and act as though she knows for sure that she’s genuinely interested.)
The danger for us is that if a woman is acting interested (simply because she’s confused and wants to keep her options open), and we believe that she’s interested (based on her actions), then that could cause us to fall for her more than we otherwise would.
It’s normal for us to invest more in someone if we think she’s really into us.
We can end up falling for someone based on a lie…
The good news, again, is that “how you do one thing is how you do everything.”
If we see the person we are with lie to others (because she’s confused about what she wants and bad at making decisions), that’s a warning sign. It tells us that she might also lie to us because she’s confused and not certain about what she wants from our relationship.
If she really is confused… that sucks… but the sooner we find out about the lie, the better off we will be.
The fourth reason women lie is because they’re manipulative…
Not all women are manipulative… but some are.
The simple fact is that there are some people in this world who are far more interested in getting their needs met than they are in having an emotional connection or being a good partner.
Whether it’s sex, emotional support, someone to pay attention to her, someone to pay for dinner, someone to buy her drinks or drugs or presents, someone who will lend her their car or let her stay as long as she wants without paying rent… Manipulative women are more interested in what they can get from us than they are in sharing deep love with us.
There are infinite ways a manipulative person might lie...
But there’s one thing manipulative people know: it’s far easier to get things from people who love you…
Humans who are in love are endlessly giving…
Love can be like a spell – and humans are defenseless against it… Humans who fall in love will give their beloved almost anything, even if their love is based on a lie…
Manipulative people who lie to get what they want are not going to “do the right thing” or look out for our well-being. They’re not going to protect us.
It is our job to protect ourselves from manipulative people who lie, because nobody else is going to.
The good news, once again, is that “how you do one thing is how you do everything.”
If we ever notice that the person we’re with lies to manipulate others (or that she treats people in ways we ourselves would never treat another person) – that’s a red flag, and it’s bad news.
And unlike with the other kinds of lies, a lie that’s told to manipulate someone else is never coming from a good place.
Women who lie to manipulate others do not make good, wholesome partners.
There are very few exceptions to this rule.
Getting hurt in love is ultimately no big deal.
Yes, heartache can be super painful. But it’s nothing we can’t handle.
One good thing about broken hearts – is that they heal.
And the fact that one person hurts us doesn’t change the fact that we are going to have amazing love later, with someone else.
The partner waiting to love us doesn’t care about the last dummy who didn’t know how to love us.
For anyone who is currently single, there is someone out there right now who is longing for you just as much as you’re longing for her.
And she needs for you to stay away from women who lie for the wrong reasons. Because wasting time on them is the main reason you’re not with her.
So be strong and keep remembering…
That hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real, and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.