And this means that the long-term emotional pain you will suffer from being with them is greater than any short term comfort and enjoyment you get out of the relationship.
And there are 5 red flags that are so major that they should be automatic dealbreakers when they come up.
I’m going to go through each of them one by one.
The first major red flag is if the woman you’re pursuing a relationship with is abusive.
If someone is treating you in a way that normal people don’t treat each other in society, that’s not ok.
Abusive behavior is behavior more cruel than what normal people openly use amongst each other when they get mad and have conflicts.
The way that abusive people get away with abusive behavior is by doing what’s called “gaslighting.”
To gaslight someone is to manipulate them so they become confused about the truth.
The abusive person will make their victim feel like they are the cruel one and they’re the one behaving in ways that normal people should never behave. And so it’s all their fault.
That’s why abusive relationships are the hardest to get out of and the most dangerous kind of relationship in the world.
If you are with someone who’s abusive, you need to get yourself the support and protection you need so you can leave as fast as you can. There are support groups and charities that will help you, and you deserve to let yourself be helped.
Abuse is one of the biggest red flags and it's an absolute dealbreaker and there are no exceptions to this rule.
The second major red flag is if the person you’re pursuing a relationship with is a liar.
Trust is the foundation of any functional relationship.
A relationship with a person you can’t trust is dysfunctional from the outset.
There is no way to build a stable, connected relationship with someone if you don’t know when they’re telling the truth.
Being with a liar is maddening and it’s a dealbreaker.
Now this can be tricky, because liars aren’t going to admit that they’re lying.
But people who are dishonest will tend to be dishonest with everyone else, too.
So if you’re with someone, and you notice that they’re being dishonest with other people, there’s a good chance they’re also being dishonest with you.
And it's one of the most major red flags.
The third major red flag is if the person you’re pursuing a relationship with is already in a relationship with someone else.
Here’s a rule. Never be the “other woman.”
Even if you think they’re going to leave their partner for you and you’re not going to be the “other woman” for long, even if they tell you their current relationship is completely doomed and imminently ending – until they fully break up with that person, there’s no guaranty that they ever will.
Because the thing is: breakups are hard.
Breakups are extremely hard.
Being stuck in a bad relationship is also hard. and that’s why breakups eventually do happen – because the misery of being in the wrong relationship builds up to the point where staying with the person feels harder than dealing with a breakup.
But if YOU come along and interrupt that person’s misery by falling in love with her – then suddenly she’s not unhappy at all anymore. In fact, she might be the happiest she’s been in years. And so she loses the powerful incentive she had to go through with the difficult breakup.
But at the same time, once you’ve fallen for her and slept with her, it’s exponentially harder for you to walk away. Because the hormones our bodies release during intimacy are like drugs that intensify our feelings.
But meanwhile, if the woman you’ve fallen for hasn’t broken up yet, it means she’s suddenly dancing around her partner to avoid getting caught. And instead of being focused on breaking up, she’s focused on keeping the relationship, and hiding your affair.
And when that happens you are left with far less power in the relationship than you had before you slept together and fell for her.
And whenever we trade away our power like that, we become less desirable in the other person’s eyes. It’s a losing situation. Nobody is worth it for you to compromise your power and your position that way.
You deserve someone who can start clean and fair and single with you.
If you’re pursuing a relationship with someone, and they’re not yet broken up with the last person they were with, that one of the worst red flags and a major dealbreaker. Stay away from her until she shows you she respects you enough to get out of her last relationship and start things with you the right way.
The fourth major red flag is if you’re dating someone who is not that into you…
Sometimes people choose to be with someone simply because there is nobody better.
They choose this because it’s easier to have someone to sleep next to at night and make plans with on the weekends than to have nobody. When people do this they know they’re settling, which is why they always keep one eye open, with the intention of leaving the minute they find someone better.
If you are pursuing a relationship with someone who is not that into you, her feelings for you are never going to change, and your relationship is not stable or safe.
You are wasting your time and you are teaching yourself the wrong message about how women see you and about what you deserve.
This world is full of beautiful, open-hearted queer women who would be just as excited about you as you are about her when you meet. Anyone who doesn’t feel that way is the wrong person for you and it’s hurting your self-esteem and the longer you stay with them, the worse off you are.
If you’re pursuing a relationship with someone who’s not really into you, that’s one of the most major red flags and you deserve better…
The fifth major red flag is if the person you’re pursuing a relationship with is someone you know is wrong for you.
Whether the problem is you don’t have chemistry or you don’t want the same things or you don’t have shared values or you don’t fully respect them enough - sometimes we choose to be with someone we know is wrong, simply because there’s nobody better, because we don’t want to be stuck alone with nobody to sleep with and nobody to spend weekends with…
Maybe you’re hoping they will eventually change… But the truth is that people don’t change.
Or maybe you’re hoping that eventually someone better will come along and find you, so you live your life keeping “one eye open” - but that almost never works.
Because epic love requires more effort than just keeping one eye open…
Epic love comes from putting yourself out there and getting outside your comfort zone and forcing yourself to grow and try new things and go new places and meet new people - and those are all the kinds of things we avoid doing when we are in a dead-end relationship with someone else.
Because when there’s someone already with you, it’s so much easier to stay home in the same routine…
And so nobody better ends up coming along. And the longer we stay in that pattern with someone we know is wrong for us, the less we believe we’ll ever find someone better, and the harder it gets to leave…
If you’re pursuing a relationship with someone you know is wrong for you, that’s a major red flag…
If any one of these 5 red flags comes up, it means the best thing you can do is end the relationship and start over.
But if that happens, don’t worry.
That’s totally ok.
Because this world is full of beautiful, open-hearted queer women who are longing for love just as much as you are, and there is a huge number of those women who you would be extremely attracted to, who would feel just as attracted to you, if you were to meet.
And as long as you don’t self-sabotage or stay stuck in the wrong relationships, it’s only a matter of time before you cross paths with one of those women. And together you will be happy and build a life and get to experience all the things you want from love. And I will be so excited for you when that finally happens.
So until next time, keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.
If you want lesbian dating advice from me more often, follow me on Instagram @jordana.michelle.
If you enjoyed this blog, then be sure to check out my other popular video: The Games Women Play In Lesbian Dating.