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Do you ever get lonely?

This is a really big deal because loneliness is an inescapable reality of lesbian dating.

Yes, it’s true that some lucky humans fall in love in middle school with a person they’re so compatible with that they can grow through life together as a team. But that is extremely rare.

For those of us who have to put ourselves out there to find love, there will, inevitably, be times when we are alone.

These times are extra hard for lesbians, because women are pickier than men.

We are pickier than men. And the women we’re trying to date are pickier than men. So finding someone we want who wants us back happens less frequently, and we end up going on fewer dates when we’re single, compared to straight women and gay men.

Now let me be very clear - this doesn’t mean you won’t eventually find love.

You WILL eventually find love.

Hot lesbians are everywhere, and every day there are new queer women who are moving towns, breaking up from their last relationships, coming out of the closet and starting to date again… And lesbians are known for bringing a moving truck to our second date - so when we do finally find someone we click with, the relationship can develop much faster than it would for straight people or gay guys.

But until that happens, the loneliness that we feel when single is a fact of life we have to learn to endure.

And let’s be real - feeling lonely is painful.

Being single means countless nights spent alone, not having someone to touch and be close to, not having someone to spend the weekends  with or a date to bring to important events, plus it means living with all the disappointments that come from bad dates, false starts and upsetting rejections.

Loneliness can suffocate you with frustration, powerlessness, insecurity, the sense that everything would be more fun if you had someone to share it with, and the fear that nobody good enough will ever come along for you to share with them the kind of relationship you long for.

So if you aren’t owning your loneliness and responding well in the face of it, then there’s a good chance your loneliness is owning YOU.

And when loneliness owns us, we tell ourselves things like “my situation is not ok, I’m never going to find someone, this is never going to end, I can’t handle it…”

And the risk of adopting that mindset is that it will cause you to make bad decisions, act both desperate and needy, allow yourself to be mistreated and settle for way less than you deserve in relationships, simply because being with them lessens the loneliness, not because they are the right partner for you.

But that just leads to more loneliness! Because relationships you settle for to avoid being alone don’t usually last. And eventually you end up single again, only by then you’re older and oftentimes more cynical about love than you were before.

But all of this can be avoided by developing tools to help you feel better when you’re lonely.

How to help yourself feel better when you’re lonely…

The good news is that anyone can do this.

Here’s the thing - loneliness is just an emotion, it’s just a feeling in the body.

And even though feelings can oftentimes be very distressing, it’s possible for all of us to train ourselves to become more comfortable even in the face of very uncomfortable emotions.

And the more we can learn to tolerate unpleasant emotions, the more powerful we become in all areas of life.

I have 8 simple things you can do at any time you feel lonely, so you can be the one in control of your loneliness, instead of your loneliness being in control of you. And I’m going to go through each of them one by one.

The first thing you can do to feel more comfortable when you’re lonely is take deep breaths.

Deep breaths naturally cause the body to relax. They lower our blood pressure, improve our mood, and reduce stress and anxiety.

There are some breathing exercises that can literally make you feel high, as if you were on drugs. But it’s healthy to do and it doesn’t require anything other than your own body. You can find countless instructional videos if you search online for Pranayama breathing, holotropic breath work, biodynamic breath work or Wim Hof breath work.

When we focus on our breath it helps us ground our energy into our body while stopping us from dwelling in negativity in our minds.

No matter what’s happening in your life, stopping for a second to take a conscious deep breath is always a good idea.

The second thing you can do to feel more comfortable when you’re lonely is write gratitude statements.

When we are lonely and depressed, it makes us pessimistic and negative, like we’re seeing the world through a dark cloud.

It’s hard to be grateful when we feel alone and hopeless. But when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.

Even when our lives are not going the way we want them to, by forcing ourselves to think of reasons to be grateful we train our minds to refocus on the positive, which makes you happier and more optimistic.

The third thing you can do to feel more comfortable when you’re lonely is take a long walk.

Sunshine and nature are medicine. Being outside in the fresh air makes us happier.

When we look at the sky, at the trees growing, at the birds flying around – it’s truly healing.

Walking is healthy, the pace and rhythm gets you out of your head. it feels good and it’s free.

While you’re out there, be sure to make eye contact and smile at the people you pass by.

The fourth thing you can do to feel more comfortable in the face of loneliness is dance or exercise.

Connecting with the body stops your mind from racing and gets you into a flow state.

Exercise boosts endorphins, which are natural anti-depressants and confidence enhancers.

The fifth thing you can do to feel more comfortable when you’re lonely is call an elderly relative or neighbor or anyone you know is lonelier than you.

Be curious with them, ask questions, get them to tell you stories, look in their eyes, smile, and try to brighten their day.

Be a person who makes the world a less lonely place.

The sixth thing you can do to feel more comfortable when you’re lonely is volunteer.

Being of service to help other people is life affirming and it reminds us how much we matter and how lucky we are.

Whether you tutor kids, deliver meals, build a house, bake cookies, plant a garden or clean up a beach, volunteering is also a great way to connect with new people you otherwise wouldn’t have met, which itself is an antidote to loneliness.

The seventh thing you can do to feel more comfortable when you’re lonely is write in your journal.

When you’re feeling lonely, nobody listens better than a pen and paper. Journal writing is a way to keep yourself company while processing your emotions and getting clarity about the situations impacting your life.

If you make a habit of journal writing you’ll end up more connected to yourself and more in control of your life.

The eighth thing you can do to feel more comfortable when you’re lonely is to practice mindfulness or meditation.

When we experience unpleasant emotions, it’s natural to wish we weren’t.

This might seem counterintuitive, but the truth is, it’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling. Not only is it ok to just let it happen, but if we can observe our emotions as they’re happening we can get way more power over how we respond and react to all situations.

Practicing this helps us to take ourselves, our thoughts and our loneliness less seriously.

Give it a try…

So those are 8 things anyone can easily do to feel better when being single starts to wear you down.

The next time you start to feel the ache in your heart of not having the partner you long for and the fear that you’ll never find her, try doing one of these eight things, and I promise you will feel better.

And remember this: if you’re currently single, this is just a temporary phase in your life, not a permanent condition.

Being single now just means you’re single NOW, this minute. It has nothing to do with what will happen five seconds from now or anytime in the future.

If you’re lonely and looking for love, there’s a world full of amazing open-hearted queer women who are searching for the same kind of connection you are, and who would be just as attracted to you as you are to them if you ever were to meet.

It’s only a matter of time before you connect with one of those women. And the one you do connect with - whoever she is is out there right now, missing you just as much as you miss her, because you’re her person, and she hasn’t found you yet either.

So don’t let feeling lonely steer you off course from meeting her, and until next time keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere that love is real and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.

With softness,

Jordana Michelle



If you want lesbian dating advice from me more often, follow me on Instagram @jordana.michelle.

If you enjoyed this blog, then be sure to check out my other popular videos:

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The 5 Biggest Red Flags In Lesbian Dating.

The Games Women Play In Lesbian Dating.