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How often should you be reaching out to the woman you want?

In lesbian dating, how often should you be reaching out to the woman you’re pursuing?

Women always ask me what to do, when they first meet someone they’re into, and they’re not yet certain whether the woman wants them back. 

And this is really important.

Because when we are attracted to someone, we want to connect with her and keep the momentum of connection going as much as we can. But the key is to strike the right balance. Because reaching out too much can overwhelm her and make her want to back away from us. Yet reaching out too little could risk making her insecure or defensive and missing the chance to connect when the opening was there. When we meet someone and we think there’s mutual attraction, what we want is to make her feel comfortable and to keep her excited about us. 

If I’m not reaching out when I want to, doesn’t that mean I’m playing games…?

The question I often get from clients is: Games are stupid, right?... I should just be myself, right?

And while my honest answer to that is: yes (of course we should be ourselves and not play games) – what I want to clarify is that in this context women often confuse what it means to “be yourself.” 

Being yourself and reaching out to someone whenever you feel the urge are not the same things

Women can often use “being themselves” as a justification for sending a message to someone, even when that person wasn’t responsive to a prior message.

The argument they make is that they’re just showing their genuine desire to connect… 

What if we’re just showing our genuine desire to connect?

Here’s the problem… Romantic attraction is like a drug.

When we’re into someone, we want as much of her as we can get.

And this is heightened if we’re not sure how she feels about us because there’s a chance we’ll never get to have more of her. 

When a woman we like is not responding to us, the part of us that wants to reach out to her is the drug-addicted part of us. It’s the impatient, anxious part of us that can’t tolerate the uncertainty of not knowing if she’s into us or not. 

But the wiser, more mature part of our psyche knows that it’s not good/polite to ignore other people’s boundaries.

When a woman you’re trying to connect with isn’t responding as intently or substantively as you are to her, she’s indirectly expressing the fact that she doesn’t want to connect as much as you do. she’s saying “I’m unavailable” (or “I’m not as available as you seem to want me to be”).


Rejection stings.

It hurts to like someone in a way that isn’t fully reciprocated. 

We don’t want to get rejected. We don’t want to give up. We want another shot to make her see how good we can be for each other. 

Science suggests that the urge we feel to continue to pursue women who reject us is the same thing puppies feel when they whimper at the door when their owner leaves the house. It’s called “protest behavior”.

Mammals have a strong natural urge to reestablish connection when connection has been broken. But a puppy crying at the door isn’t going to make his owner come home from work, and us sending unsolicited messages to someone who hasn’t been keeping up her end of the conversation isn’t going to make her start wanting us back. 

The whimpering puppy inside of us might make excuses for her – maybe she’s busy, maybe she lost her phone and lost my number and she needs me to reach out in order for her to find me, maybe she accidentally deleted my last message without realizing (so she doesn’t even know I reached out), maybe I sent the last one during a bad time and I just need to time it better from now on… But all that is just wishful thinking. We think those thoughts because we don’t want to lose the chance to be with her. 

But if someone isn’t interested in us, then continuing to reach out just makes us seem annoying - and it shows we haven’t gotten the message that she’s not as interested in us as we are in her. 

Let’s get real about those women…

The fundamental truth is that there is no reason to pursue women who don’t reciprocate your feelings because she’s not going to be capable of giving you the kind of love you deserve. 

And there’s no reason to take it personally, when we figure out that we’re into someone who doesn’t like us back. Because these things aren’t personal.

People’s romantic preferences are just a question of what flavor they prefer. And when they don’t choose you, it’s not a statement about who you are or what you deserve. Because this world is full of beautiful, exciting open-hearted queer women who would be just as attracted to you as you are to them when you meet. 

With the right women, it will be easier.

When someone likes you it will be obvious and she will make it easy to communicate and connect. She will want to keep the conversation going, and she’ll make it clear that she wants to hear from you, so you’ll know you’re safe to reach out as often as you want. 

The purpose of dating is to sort through all the humans you meet in search of the ones you can share that kind of connection with. 

And when you find them, those are the only ones you should ever pursue. Everyone else is a waste of time. 

So keep looking out for that mutual spark, and until next time keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.

With softness,

Jordana Michelle


If you want lesbian dating advice from me more often, follow me on Instagram @jordana.michelle.

If you enjoyed this blog, then be sure to check out my other popular videos: The Games Women Play In Lesbian Dating and The Four Reasons Women Lie In Lesbian Dating.

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