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What is a red flag in lesbian dating and what happens when we find one?

Red flags in dating are the flickers of intuition in the back of our minds, when we learn something about our new partner, that make us say to ourselves: “oh no, this is a bad sign.”

Red flags are the pieces of evidence we discover that hint to us that pursuing this woman will eventually result in heartbreak or heartache.

Red flags are the warning signs that suggest that the relationship we’re trying to build probably won’t work out the way we want it to in the long-run.

Why are red flags dangerous?

The tricky thing about red flags is that nobody wants to see them.

Red flags are often ignored.

But red flags are dangerous to ignore!

Ignoring red flags almost always results in heartache.

And heartache is usually far more upsetting than we anticipate it will be. Especially if we’re the one who is hurt or left by the other.

Heartache is emotionally expensive… Heartache drains us of energy and attention and time and happiness.

So if red flags are so dangerous, why do we ignore them?

We ignore red flags because we simply don’t want to see them.

Because when we are single and longing for love and we meet someone we feel chemistry with, our hearts want to dive right in, even if there is a red flag.

When we see the possibility for getting the love and connection we long for, we are drawn to that possibility like moths into a flame.

It’s like a vortex of temptation.


Our biggest enemy, when it comes to red flags, is temptation.

When we start dating someone we’re interested in, that is a very hard thing to walk away from.

Because when we’re single and lonely our desire for love can eventually grow to be far greater than our desire to protect ourselves from future heartache.

Falling in love feels so good.

The possibility of finally finding love is too tempting to say no to.

But red flags are a big deal.

Ignoring a red flag doesn’t eliminate the risk.

The worst kind of red flags are the ones we don’t pay attention to. Because we end up in a lot of pain.

And when that happens we remember how we “saw it coming” in the back of our minds.

We remember how we didn’t protect ourselves from the red flag we noticed.

And when we fail to protect ourselves in life, we lose trust in ourselves. And that’s not good for our self-esteem (because self-esteem is partially based on how much we trust ourselves to protect ourselves from harm when we have the chance to do so.)

What it all comes down to…

It all comes down to the fear that we’ll never have the love we desire.

When we are single and lonely it’s very easy to become afraid that our loneliness will never end and that we’ll never meet someone.

This is especially true for queer women, because we are a minority, and there is a perception in our community that it’s harder for us to find partners.

And the fear that we’ll never find love causes us to pursue relationships even when there’s a clear risk that it’s going to end badly.

Because if we’re going to end up alone anyway we’ve got nothing to lose, right?


Fears are lies.

And it’s not true that queer women have a harder time finding love.

But if we tell ourselves that love is hard to find, then it will be.

And if we self-sabotage by ignoring red flags and wasting time on the wrong women, then we continuously get our hearts broken in a cycle of pain and loneliness which keeps us from finding the amazing love that is waiting for us to find her.

Don’t do that.

We have to believe in love.

And we have to be strong enough to protect ourselves when we see red flags that point to danger.

(Unless you’re young and/or looking for experience and adventure…)

Heartbreaks can hurt. But heartbreaks are incredible opportunities to learn.

Bad breakups are valuable experiences.

For anyone who hasn’t lived through love and loss, maybe it’s ok to ignore a few red flags and see what that’s like.

Because we can’t live full lives if we are overly focused on avoiding pain and heartache.

But once we’ve loved and lost and lived enough that we’re ready to find someone to share a more permanent connection with, that’s when it’s time to take on the mental and emotional discipline of recognizing and reacting to red flags.

Because finding true love requires that we avoid falling into doomed relationships, no matter now tempting it might be, no matter how afraid we might feel that we’ll never find something better.

Do you have a plan?

Do you have a plan for what you will do if you discover a red flag with a woman you are falling for?

If we start falling for someone we’re not going to want to stop, even if we see a red flag.

That’s why we need to plan in advance for how we will handle red flags when they appear.

Just like how the flight attendants show us the exits and escape procedures on the airplane before take-off. Because in case of emergency we won’t be calm or clear enough to make good decisions.

If our love affair turns out to be a plane crash, we need a strategy we can follow, even if all of our rational judgment is misfiring.

Because it’s going to be a very hard decision to make.

What are you going to do?

The truth is that if you’re not currently with the love of your life, then it means she’s somewhere out there, missing you just as much as you miss her.


And if you ignore red flags you are only delaying the time before you find each other. And that is creating more unnecessarily loneliness for both of you.

She deserves better. And so do you.

Your future love needs you to be strong and to walk away from doomed relationships as soon as you see a red flag, no matter how tempting it is to stay.

Can you be strong for her?

She’s super into you.

Do you ever wonder what the woman of your dreams is going to find most attractive about you when you meet her?

I have a free quiz you can take to find out.

Go and take it now, if you haven’t already!

And if you ever want to talk to me one-on-one about any of the challenges you’re facing in dating or love, I offer individual coaching, and you can learn more about that HERE .

And until next time keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.

Wishing you all the happiness and love you could ever dream of (and much more),

Jordana Michelle

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