If we ever need to offer an apology, it’s because we hurt someone.
Hurting someone we love can cause emotional distance and broken trust.
In order to avoid losing the love and trust we've had with this person, we have to offer them an apology that is healing enough for them to forgive us.
An apology is an attempt at repairing a relationship that has been injured…
Relationships are precious, but they are not guaranteed to last.
If we injure our relationship and don’t repair it, we risk losing the connection forever.
Here’s the upsetting truth: Relationships can break. Friendships can end. Even the most solid connections can crumble…
Conflict can be fatal to a relationship when it’s mishandled.
Most of us were never taught how to handle ourselves and “make things right” when we mess up.
A mistake, a misunderstanding, a breach of trust…
When the relationship is at stake a good apology can repair the damage.
But an apology done wrong can spell the end of the relationship.
There are two key components to making an apology work.
For an apology to work, we have to show 1. That we care, and 2. That we get it…
Apologies that contain both of these elements can leave the relationship stronger than it was before conflict began.
When someone hurts us (when we get hurt) it can feel as though we are the only ones suffering… And that doesn’t feel fair…
When we are hurt, we want to know the other person cares…
We want our pain to matter to her…
We want to know that it hurts her to know that she hurt us…
When it’s our turn to apologize, that’s what the person we hurt wants to hear…
The same thing applies when we’re the ones who need to apologize.
A good apology shows our loved one that we care deeply (about the mistake we made and the consequences that impacted her), that she matters to us, that her pain matters to us, that it hurts us to know that she was hurt by something we did…
A good apology requires really showing someone how deeply we love her and how important she is to us.
But simply knowing how much we care isn’t enough…
Because if she doesn’t understand the issue, nothing will change and we’ll keep getting hurt.
When we are hurt, we need to know that she understands what she did and that she’s willing to change so we don’t keep getting hurt by the same behavior.
That’s why a good apology requires that we show the person that we understand what we did and why she got hurt (and given our understanding, we commit to making sure it never happens again.)
When an apology demonstrates both of these things (that we care + that we get it), forgiveness flows naturally.
Forgiveness flows naturally when the apology proves how deeply she cares about us and promises we won’t keep getting hurt the same way.
And forgiveness is sexy.
When we are good at forgiving we are good at loving. (As long as she isn't abusive, of course. It's important for us to draw boundaries and protect ourselves from abusive people.)
When we get hurt, our ego often wants to stay mad... But life is short and we owe ourselves more happiness. It doesn’t serve us to push love away, instead of letting it in...
When one lover’s good apology is met with her lover’s open-hearted forgiveness, the relationship will be left stronger than it was before the conflict.
Couples who can be themselves (knowing they will make up even if they fight) are happier than couples who always avoid fighting.
Fights are like “stress tests” for relationships.
Relationships that have been “stress-tested” are more reliable than relationships between two people that have never fought and made up.
Even though fights are painful, couples feel so much safer in their relationships when they know they can get through conflict together.
If a couple has never gotten into a fight before they have no way of knowing whether they’ll be able to resolve it. The fear that a fight wouldn’t be resolvable (that a fight would lead to breakup) can cause people to self-censor. We can’t be our full-selves when we are focused more on conflict-avoidance than on honest, open expression.
Relationships aren’t trustworthy when people aren’t being themselves.
Relationships that haven’t survived fights are less trustworthy.
Surviving conflict with your partner (where you offer each other meaningful apologies and loving forgiveness) makes the relationship stronger than it was before.
Even if you’re not currently with the woman of your dreams, it’s important for you to realize that she’s out there somewhere… And she’s waiting for you.
She needs to be able to trust that you’re going to apologize in a way that shows you care and that you get it, when you’re the one who makes the mistake. And she needs to be able to trust that you’re going to forgive her when she’s the one to make a mistake.
Close your eyes and feel into your heart and make that promise now (whether you know who the love of your life is, or whether you’re still waiting to meet her.)
And until next time keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.