When we finally find love, the important thing is knowing how to make it last.
Because love is the most precious thing on earth. And the longer relationships last, the more precious they become.
Because the more two people stay together, the more they know each other, the more they’ve invested in each other, the more they’ve navigated through fights (and managed to fall in love again afterwards), and the more they both can trust each other and the relationship they’ve built together…
Having that kind of love is healing and empowering in ways that can’t be matched in any other area of life.
That’s why it’s so important to learn how to make love last.
Relationships are hard.
That’s why it requires work and skill to make love last.
It’s easy to enjoy someone when things are new and exciting.
But the excitement wears off eventually…
People who don’t know how to make relationships last after the excitement wears off end up missing out on all the benefits that come from long-lasting love. And they end up living lonelier lives as a result.
Any fire, if neglected, will go out.
When we want a fire to last, we have to maintain it (keep it dry and continually throw on new logs.)
We can’t expect a fire to keep burning if it’s not maintained.
Nor should we expect a relationship to last if it’s not properly cared for.
There are three pillars for properly caring for a relationship in order to make it last.
The 3 pillars for making lesbian love last are:
Each of these pillars reinforce the other.
I explain what each of them are below…
The first pillar for making lesbian love last is to accept the woman you’re with completely as she is…
When we have a partner, we must accept her completely.
Not because she’s perfect. (Nobody is perfect.) But because people don’t change. We are who we are. She is who she is.
So once we choose someone, we have to choose to fully and completely accept her for who she is.
If we can’t do that, we should choose someone else.
Loneliness can be blinding…
When we’re single and lonely it might seem like anyone we’re attracted to (who wants us back) would make a better partner than our loneliness…
But settling for the wrong partner leaves us lonelier, in the long run. Because when we settle for the wrong woman we can’t genuinely accept her completely as she is (because deep down we’re disappointed with who she really is. That’s what it means to settle.)
And so when we settle, the first pillar for making lesbian love last is weak and can’t/won’t support the relationship the way it needs to.
Being a good lover requires that we create safety for the woman we love.
When we accept our partner completely we create safety for her.
If the woman we love knows that we accept her for who she is, she has the space to be open and vulnerable…
The safer she feels the more and more she can show us her true self.
The more two people can be open and vulnerable with each other the more their love will deepen and the longer it will last.
The second pillar for making lesbian love last is choosing love.
And as with most things in life, there is both an “inner game” and an “outer game” for choosing love.
Both are vitally important if we want lasting love.
The outer game of choosing love has to do with the way we respond to our partner when she “engages” with us.
It’s a fact of life that when we have a partner, she is going to do things to try to get our attention from time to time. And it turns out that the one of the most important factors determining whether a couple will stay together comes down to how they behave when one tries to get the other’s attention.
Dr. John Gottman (the world’s leading researchers on what makes relationships last) can observe a couple interacting for only a few minutes and predict (with 90% accuracy) whether that couple will stay together in the long-run.
What his research discovered is actually really surprising…
According to Dr. Gottman’s research the couples that last are the ones that respond with kindness and polite acknowledgment when their partner tries to get their attention.
It’s not about planning romantic dates or buying expensive gifts or having the greatest sex life…
It’s just about being kind when she tries to talk to you or connect with you (instead of ignoring her or rolling your eyes or making a sarcastic comment…)
This might seem so mundane and boring.
But research has proven it to be true.
Dr. Gottman’s research also showed that the couples who stay together are the ones who let each other de-escalate tension during fights… Because our partners will try to do little things to connect with us, even during fights. And if we allow those things to soothe us and calm us down, our love with her will last longer.
The outer game of choosing love means honoring our partner by connecting with her when she tries to connect, whether it’s a random comment in the middle of the day or whether it’s a silly joke in the middle of an angry fight…
Give her the connection she seeks (when she seeks it), and your love will last longer. (And if you don’t, you will create loneliness between the two of you that will eventually drive you apart.)
That’s the outer game of choosing love.
The inner game of choosing love has to do with the thoughts we focus on about our partner.
We have total choice over where we focus our attention.
And it’s up to us whether we focus on what we love about our partner or whether we focus on what we dislike about her…
The more we focus on what we love about her, the happier we will be with her, the more we’ll make her feel good about herself in our presence and the longer our love will last.
On the other hand, the more we focus on what we dislike about her, the less happy we will be with her, the worse she’ll feel about herself in our presence and the weaker our relationship will become…
The inner game of choosing love is all about focusing on thoughts that create more happiness and connection between us while avoiding thoughts that create friction and contempt between us.
The third pillar for making lesbian love last is taking responsibility.
At the end of the day nobody else can live our lives on our behalf.
We have total responsibility for the thoughts we think, the words we speak and the actions we take.
Being a strong partner requires that we be awake enough to recognize the thoughts we’re thinking, the words we’re speaking and the actions we’re taking.
The more we can be awake and aware as we go through our days, the better decisions we can make in all aspects of our lives.
The more we are awake and aware, the more of ourselves we have to share with our partners.
When we’re off daydreaming we leave our partner alone and we create distance between us.
She deserves better and so do we.
If we want our love to last we have to maintain present-moment-awareness so that we can take more responsibility over our thoughts, words and actions.
If we want love to last then we also have to take responsibility for acting in ways that we can be proud of.
Annie Lalla (my favorite love coach) likes to say that as we go through life we have to imagine that everything we do is being projected on a movie screen (with all of our past and future selves sitting in the audience, watching the screen.) And the question we need to always be asking ourselves is: if we could see our current thoughts/words/actions on that movie screen, would we be clapping for ourselves?
The level of our self-esteem is directly correlated to the answer to that question.
The third pillar of making love last is taking responsibility for our thoughts, words and actions, which requires maintaining present-moment-awareness so that we can make choices we are proud of.
Even though relationships are hard work, they are completely worth the effort.
The fact that relationships are hard is what makes them so meaningful and valuable.
The hard work that two people do to make love last is an investment they make in each other. And the more they are invested in the relationship the more they can trust the relationship (and each other.) Having that kind of solid foundation so healing and stabilizing and comforting in life.
That’s why a love that lasts is truly the most precious treasure.
When we finally find “our person” we owe it to ourselves and we owe it to her and we owe it to the relationship to work on these three pillars to make our love last.
Love is the best.
I hope yours is epic.
Wishing you the spectacular fulfillment of all your happiest and most exciting dreams,
Thank you Cheryl and Colby for letting me use your photo for this post!!!!!