Love is complicated, and hurting ourselves and others, to a certain extent, is unavoidable.
But over the last few weeks a whole bunch of my friends and clients have been dealing with a very similar pattern that has left them hurting unnecessarily, because this pattern is completely avoidable, if we know what to look out for.
I want to explain what this pattern is and how to avoid it so that we and the women we date aren’t left hurting.
I have a friend who’s real name I can’t share here, so I will just call her “Amy.”
Amy really wants a wife and kids. But she’s turning 39, and she feels a lot of pressure to meet the right woman soon so she has time to be a biological mother.
Amy is hot and successful and super confident and a lot of fun.We hang out every few months, and every time I see her she’s excitedly pursuing someone new.
I always ask her “what happened to the last woman?” And Amy usually says something like “Nah, that didn’t work out.” Or “We’re just going to be friends.” And then she goes on to tell me about the new person she’s currently chasing.
But there’s a lot more to the story, and I have a feeling that the women she pursued before are often left hurting…
To illustrate my point, let me tell you about my friend Leyla.
Leyla met Rebecca at an art event she was attending with work colleagues in Brooklyn.
They had a fun time talking, but Rebecca isn’t necessarily the type that Leyla would go for, so Leyla wasn't overly excited about it one way or the other.
Leyla might have never made much effort to see Rebecca again, but Rebecca texted Leyla the morning after the event, kept sending her friendly texts (after work and during breaks) to keep in touch and get to know her better, and made plans with her right away, for the earliest possible evening Leyla was free.
Normally Rebecca isn’t exactly the kind of woman Leyla would go for. But Leyla had been single and lonely and hurting for so long, that she decided to keep an open mind. And the more
Rebecca showed up for Leyla, the safer Leyla felt, and the closer they got and more Leyla was able to start reciprocating feelings for Rebecca…
This went on for about six weeks.
Rebecca was pursuing Leyla the whole time, and because Leyla felt so safe and desired by Rebecca, her heart was able to open up more and more each day.
When they had been together for about six weeks Rebecca had to go on a work trip to Asia for 10 days.
Leyla was surprised at how sad she was for them to say goodbye. She really had grown attached to Rebecca over this time, and was going to miss her while she was away.
But something strange happened.
Leyla sent a flirtatious text while Rebecca was waiting for her flight, but Rebecca didn’t reply back... That had never happened before. According to Leyla, the minute Rebecca walked onto that flight it was as if something changed that would never come back.
Rebecca returned from her trip, but she never returned to being the eager, attentive, adoring lover that she had been during those initial six weeks.
Even though Rebecca fought her way into Leyla’s heart, she ultimately wasn’t available to “finish what she had started.”
But Leyla had really fallen for Rebecca, and she was left hurting and abandoned
Why was Leyla the one who was left hurting when it was Rebecca who so aggressively tried to win Leyla’s heart?
It’s not that Leyla had found Rebecca so attractive and irresistible. It’s that Leyla had a burning desire for love and connection, and Rebecca made Leyla believe she would give it to her.
The truth is that what happened to Leyla could happen to anyone who is single and lonely and longing for love.
Leyla wasn’t seduced by Rebecca, she was seduced by Rebecca’s promise of a relationship.
The promise of a relationship makes us feel safe to open up and fall in love where we otherwise wouldn’t.
When we are single and lonely and longing to connect, and someone offers us the love and connection we yearn for, that is a very attractive offer.
Being strongly pursued by someone makes us feel like she’s willing and able to give us the relationship we so badly want…
And since her intense pursuit makes her seem like she’s offering us what we want, we give her more of a chance than we otherwise would. We open our hearts more than we otherwise would. We get more attached than we otherwise would…
And we’re left hurting when she “withdraws the offer” and changes her mind about the relationship she seemed to be promising us… We’re left hurting because we’ve already grown emotionally attached.
That’s the pattern.
How can we prevent ourselves from getting hurt like this?
And how can we prevent ourselves from hurting other women like this?
In the very early stages of knowing someone, there is no way in the world to predict how we will be together, as a couple.
It takes a relatively long time of knowing someone before we find out important qualities about them, like how she handles stress, cares for friends and loved ones, works through fights, manages her lifestyle, controls her finances, and what her overall disposition is in the mundane day-to-day walk of life…
Very early after meeting someone we can’t possibly know yet whether we want a relationship with her. And she can’t possibly know yet whether she wants a relationship with us.
So when a woman we just met is aggressively and intensely pursuing a relationship with us, that is a warning sign.
Because it’s all about the timing. And in those early stages there hasn’t yet been enough time.
Despite all this it’s still important for us to be open-minded and give women a chance.
Staying closed and jaded is only going to keep love away.
Instead of feeling jaded, the trick is to completely believe in love.
My friend Amy is only hurting women because she doesn’t believe in love.
If she wasn’t so afraid of not finding the right woman to have babies with, she wouldn’t be chasing women so aggressively and then leaving them so abruptly.
Leyla was seduced by Rebecca’s promise of a relationship because she’s lonely and afraid of not finding love. If Leyla believed in love more she wouldn’t have fallen for Rebecca as quickly and easily.
The antidote to all of this is to completely believe in love.
If you want love, you can and will find it.
Yes, I promise.
This world is full of beautiful, open-hearted people who are longing for closeness and connection, just the way you are.
The fear that we’ll never find love is a dangerous lie.
That fear causes us to self-sabotage in life and love. It’s the reason we fall for the “promise of relationship” from women who leave us hurting, and it’s the reason we can sometimes hurt other women when we’re desperately searching for a partner.
No matter what your fears say, just keep reminding yourself the vitally important truth that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real, and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.
Until next time I wish you all the good things your life has room for (and much more),
P.S. Thank you @blueiartangel77 for letting me use your artwork for this blog! Follow her on Instagram to see more!