The reason these women are more dangerous to fall for is because falling for them leads to heartbreak 100% of the time.
And heartbreak is one of the most painful, sad, and confusing conditions humans face in life…
And when our heart is broken by these kinds of dangerous women we are left not only sad and depressed, but also drained of energy and confidence in a way that could (if we’re not careful) potentially leave us worse off than we were before meeting her.
So that’s why it’s really important to understand who these dangerous women are and how to avoid falling for them.
The truth is that love always involves some risk of heartbreak.
Whenever we fall in love we always have to face the risk that at some point the relationship might end and leave us with a broken heart.
But that’s ok, because love is worth the risk. Love is worth taking risks for.
Love is the most precious thing on earth, by far.
We can have all the money and treasure in the world, but if we don’t have anyone we love to share it with (or if we don’t love ourselves) life will feel empty…
And even if we get hurt after a relationship ends, the benefits of love outweigh the costs. Being in a loving relationship is a positive experience that leads to growth and increased wisdom. And despite the pain, broken hearts are also tremendous learning experiences.
So love is worth risking a broken heart.
But when we put ourselves in a situation where we are guaranteed to end up with a broken heart, we set ourselves up for all the pain without any chance of gaining the beautiful benefits that come from real love.
And that is a dangerous thing to do to ourselves.
When we are waiting in line to get on a rollercoaster, we are free to get off the line anytime.
But once we get to the gate and we sit in the little car and the safety bar locks us in, that’s it... We can’t get off again until the little car goes through the entire rollercoaster and arrives back at the starting point and the bar lifts up to let us out…
That’s what love is like.
Once we start to really have feelings for someone, it’s like the safety bar locking us in. And that means we’re going to have to "ride the whole ride" and go through the entire process of emotional release and healing until we finally are able to mend our broken hearts and get over her and move on.
So it’s important, while we’re still “waiting in line” to be extra careful not to fall for women who are dangerous.
The dangerous kind of women I’m talking about here are emotionally unavailable women.
When a woman is emotionally unavailable it means she is unwilling and unable and never going to give us the kind of loving connection we desire.
Humans are wired for love and connection. And when we are single and lonely we long for love and connection and partnership and devotion…
But emotionally unavailable women can’t and won’t ever be capable of sharing with us the kind of relationship we want and need.
That’s why when we fall for emotionally unavailable women, heartbreak is guaranteed 100% of the time.
And it’s important to realize that nothing we ever do can change this about an emotionally unavailable woman.
Emotionally unavailable women can’t be convinced or changed into becoming available. And if we were to try, it would only turn her off…
Trying to make an unavailable woman become available to us only makes us seem needy in her eyes, and that only leaves us feeling bad about ourselves.
Our hearts are wired for loving.
That’s how we’re built. It’s normal for humans to want to have a loving relationship.
But emotionally unavailable women are simply not capable of giving us the kind of connection or closeness or commitment that we need to feel good in a relationship.
Why does this happen? Why do we fall for emotionally unavailable women in the first place?
Well, it’s important to understand that when we’re single and lonely and looking for love and connection, if we meet someone who seems “promising” our hearts get very happy about it…
So in the early days after meeting this new person, it is very exciting to think about her… We think back to the one time we had a great conversation with her or the one time we made out with her (or maybe neither of those things ever even happened, but we imagine what it would be like if we did…)
And the thing is… these thoughts are super yummy and exciting.
The thoughts and fantasies feel so good to think about that we keep replaying them over and over again...
The more we think about something, the more we believe it.
The more we repeat an idea in our mind, the more we become convinced that the idea is true.
And as we continually replay fantasies about a woman we have a crush on we become convinced that this is how our relationship together would be, if only she were to let it happen…
But when it comes to an emotionally unavailable woman, she is never going to let those things happen.
So while the fantasies in our minds cause us to feel more and more desire for her, our disappointment only increases because she never gives us what we want.
On the other hand when we’re in a relationship with someone who is available, we don’t have to make stuff up about her in our minds. Because when we have a real partner, she’s there and we get to experience her in reality.
But when we fall for emotionally unavailable women, it’s a fantasy that we fall for. And it’s torture because she's unavailable and doesn’t ever let the fantasy come true…
There are two major ways we can figure out that we are pursuing someone who is emotionally unavailable...
The first way has to do with our time and the second way has to do with our desires.
One way we can tell that we are falling for an emotionally unavailable woman is if the amount of time we spend thinking about her is disproportionately greater than the amount of time we actually spend together with her.
We have to look at the amount of time we actually spend hanging out with her (or video chatting with her or talking on the phone with her or text messaging her) and compare it to the amount of time we spend with her occupying our thoughts (even though she isn’t around or giving us her attention.)
When less of our time is spent actually with her, and much more of our time is spent fantasizing about her, strategizing about her, talking to our friends about her, asking for advice on how to make it work out, wondering when she will call us, wondering what she'll say, wondering how we should respond… Then there’s a good chance we are dealing with an emotionally unavailable woman.
But time isn’t the only factor...
Sometimes women are emotionally unavailable but still spend a lot of time with us.
Because some women want attention or affection or sex or a place to stay where they don’t have to pay rent… there are countless benefits we might share with the women we care about. And sometimes emotionally unavailable women hang around us because they want to get the benefits of being with us.
So they’re with us, but not because they feel the way we feel or care the way we care or want to connect the way we want to connect…
So if we find ourselves feeling unsafe or if it seems as though the woman we're pursuing isn’t wanting us or treasuring us the way we want and treasure her, then that's a good indication we might be with an emotionally unavailable woman.
There are three steps for taking back control over our hearts when we fall for an emotionally unavailable woman…
As I explained above, the two ways we recognize we are falling for someone who is unavailable is if the time we spend thinking about her is disproportionate to the time we spend together with her OR if our desires for love and connection are not being met…
But it’s hard to recognize these things when they are happening in our own lives.
Because, quite frankly, we really don’t want to know.
The fantasies we have about the women we fall for are so yummy… We never want to have to face the fact that our crush has been a total delusion that will never come true.
When we are single and lonely, we want things to work out. We don’t want to have to start all over again looking for someone new.
It sucks to have to recognize that we were being delusional and we’re not going to get what we want… But we have to, because recognizing it is the first step to breaking free…
Our thoughts and fantasies are what keeps us stuck pursuing the wrong women.
It’s our repetition of the fantasies we have about her that keeps us on the ride.
The truth is that we are the ones who ultimately get to choose what thoughts we allow into our minds.
At some point we have to take responsibility and recognize that thinking about this woman is bad for us.
No matter how exciting and yummy the fantasies might be, once we recognize that she’s unavailable, we have to put her out of our minds. We can do this by choosing a different thought every time we catch ourselves thinking of her.
The last step for taking back our hearts from unavailable women is to be very nurturing with ourselves.
Falling for emotionally unavailable women really hurts.
When we fall for someone we treasure the idea of being with her. The idea of a relationship with her becomes something we value and believe in…. Letting go and giving up and saying goodbye to this thing that we treasure really hurts.
So we must be kind to ourselves and give ourselves the space to mourn the loss…
We have to take her down off the pedestal where we held her, and put ourselves up there instead.
We have to focus on self-care and on spending time with people who love us and doing things that make us happy and strong.
And you shouldn’t blame yourself.
Falling for emotionally unavailable people is a universal problem. I can’t think of anyone who’s had any real dating life who hasn’t had this happen to them at some point.
Encountering emotionally unavailable women is a normal bump in the road on the journey to finding love, and it’s perfectly ok.
It's important for you to remember that human hearts are wired for love, and this world is full of hot lesbians who are emotionally available and who want to love and be loved the same way you do.
And yeah, sometimes we encounter emotionally unavailable women, but that doesn’t mean everyone is that way. And it doesn’t mean that “all the hot ones are messed up” or “all the good ones are taken” or whatever other negative story we sometimes tell ourselves when we get disappointed in love.
Love is real.
The only things that can ultimately keep us from finding the love we want are self-sabotage or chasing the wrong women.
But it’s entirely within our hands not to self-sabotage and not to chase the wrong women.
That’s why it’s an absolute fact that you WILL have the love you desire if you’re committed to getting out of your own way.
And since you WILL have the love you desire, it means the woman you’re eventually going to end up with is already out there. She’s a real person, alive right now, somewhere on this same little planet as we are.
Whoever she is, she’s missing you just as much as you miss her. And the crush she has on you will be just as big as the crush you have on her when you finally meet.
She’s relying on you to find her as soon as possible, so she doesn’t have to be lonely anymore.
Are you willing to be strong for her? Are you going to discipline yourself and avoid unnecessary rollercoaster rides with women who are dangerous and unavailable and never going to love you?
Please do. Do it for your soulmate. She’s waiting.
Until next time, keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real, and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.
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Thank you @grindbymichele for letting me use your photograph! Follow @grindbymichele on Instagram