Lesbians often ask me whether I think lesbians should date bisexual women…
I get this question all the time, so I think it’s important to address it here.
And I want to be very honest about my answer…
I think it’s simply the wrong question to ask.
The most important thing, when dating anybody (regardless of gender, sexuality or any other category) is whether both people are on the same page.
Do you both want the same things?
Are you both in agreement in terms of what you want from each other and from the relationship?
That’s the relevant question.
When two people are not on the same page, it’s a bad deal.
I was trained as a lawyer before becoming a lesbian love coach. And any good lawyer will tell you that when entering into any contract, both sides must be clear about the terms they’re agreeing to. Otherwise the contract itself isn’t a valid contract.
In other words, if you’re not all on the same page it’s a bad deal and someone is going to get screwed.
So instead of asking whether a woman we meet is bisexual or “fully gay”, the more important question to consider is: do you want the same things? What do you want from this relationship with her, and what does she want from this relationship with you, and are your desires mutually aligned?
But before I go any further, I think it’s important to pause and get clear about what someone means when she calls herself “bisexual.”
There are lots of women who call themselves bisexual, but that word can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people.
For the sake of massive generalization (and for making our dating lives simpler), let’s just say there are two types of bisexual women: those who fall in love with other females and those that do not.
Bisexual women who fall in love with other women generally report that it truly doesn’t matter to them whether their partner is male or female. They are sexually attracted to both, they are capable of falling in love with either, they’ve had long-term relationships with both, and what matters most to them, when choosing a partner, is the person, not their gender...
Bisexual women who do not fall in love with other women are usually more interested in sex and fun than they are with pursuing long-term relationships with other females. As much as they enjoy sexual encounters with other women, when it comes to falling in love, they really only end up in relationships with men.
Maybe in theory they are open to more with a woman, but it never happened before, and it isn’t necessarily what they’re looking for.
To find out what “kind” of bisexual woman you are dealing with you can ask her questions… Have you ever fallen in love with a woman before? Have you ever had long-term relationships with women before? When you’re considering life partners, do you care whether they're a male or female? Could you see yourself being with a woman as a life partner?
It’s important to ask questions and be curious.
Sometimes we humans avoid asking questions because we don’t want to know the answers.
When we are single and lonely and our hearts want to connect, it’s far more pleasurable to fantasize about what we wish to be true and get lost in our imaginations instead of grounding ourselves in reality.
Chemistry can be addicting, and when we feel chemistry with someone we don’t want anything to “rain on our parade.”
But as any good lawyer knows when negotiating a contract, it’s important to clearly understand the terms that the other side is offering, even if that means asking difficult questions.
There are TWO major mistakes lesbians make when dating bisexual women.
I will explain them both, in detail.
The first mistake lesbians make when dating bisexual women is trying to “convert” a bisexual crush who never falls in love with females.
A client came to me recently with this exact problem. (For confidentiality I will call her Leslie here, even though that isn’t her real name.)
“Leslie” met “Rachel” at a club a few weeks ago, when they were both out with mutual friends. Leslie is a lesbian who prefers very feminine women. Rachel considers herself “bi” because she loves sleeping with women (but only for fun, never for serious dating). Rachel went home with Leslie the night they met, and they spent the rest of the weekend hanging out. They went to brunch, they went shopping, and they binge-watched an entire series together on Netflix… it was awesome.
When the weekend was over Leslie continued to think about Rachel all day, every day. From Leslie’s perspective the two of them had amazing sex and amazing chemistry and so much in common and a great basis for true friendship. Rachel has all the qualities Leslie wants in a woman.
The more Leslie thought about Rachel, the deeper her feelings grew.
The only problem is that Rachel is not on the same page...
Rachel’s true dream is to find a big, strong man to marry and have a family with. She fantasizes about a tall, handsome, wealthy guy who will give her the life she’s wanted since she was a little girl watching princess fairy tales.
Rachel had a blast with Leslie, and she’d be psyched to hang out again another time. Sleeping with women makes Rachel feel sexy and it gives her more confidence when meeting men.
But Leslie convinced herself that what she and Rachel had together was the start of a beautiful soul connection. Even though Rachel told Leslie that she’s not looking for a relationship, Leslie was certain that Rachel was just “in denial” and “lying to herself” because she’s “scared.”
Leslie thinks this because when Leslie first started sleeping with women she would tell people she’s “bi” and that what she really wanted was to find a man. But deep down, that wasn’t true for Leslie. And now Leslie is convinced that it isn’t true for Rachel either.
Leslie keeps saying about Rachel “we have such great sex, we have such a fun time together, I know she must feel it too… I want more from her, I want to be with her!!!”
Leslie wants so much more from Rachel, but Rachel has nothing more to give.
Leslie is not listening to Rachel’s truth, she is just “projecting” her own desires and her own inner experience onto Rachel.
(When we “project” on another person, we assume that the other person is having the same internal experience we are having. But this is a mistake. Projections are delusions. It’s wrong to assume that other people are having the same inner experience as we are.)
The fact is that some queer women truly aren’t lesbians. They truly are capable of having great sex and great connections with women, without falling deeper in love.
And it’s foolish to try to “convert” people into what we want them to be because in general people don’t change. Any attempt to change someone is a losing battle.
Bisexual women like Rachel are perfect short-time partners for lesbians who just want casual sex, to have fun and enjoy great company for a limited time. But if they say they don’t have more to offer, we have to believe them.
The reason it’s a mistake to try to date these kinds of women seriously is NOT because they’re “bisexual”. The reason we shouldn’t try to date them seriously is because they don’t want a serious relationship with a woman. And if we want a serious relationship, it means we’re not on the same page (no matter how good the sex and friendship might be).
So it’s a bad deal.
The second mistake lesbians make when dating bisexual women is sabotaging perfectly good relationships with bisexual women who truly DO want to have serious partnerships with women, pushing them away simply because of our own jealousy and insecurities …
Many of my clients report feeling jealous and insecure when they date bisexual women. This is a relatively common experience for lesbians.
Clients of mine have told me many ways their insecurities get triggered when dating bisexual partners, including:
It's understandable that lesbians could feel insecure about these things on some level.
But insecurities are toxic to any relationship. When we act out of fear and jealousy we let out the worst sides of our personality and we do not stand in our power. This is not sexy. Women are attracted to confidence and strength. Insecurity undermines attraction.
It’s not true that all bisexual women eventually leave lesbians to be with a man. In this day and age there are plenty of bisexual women who marry lesbians.
And technically it shouldn’t matter to our relationship whether our partner would be with a man if we had never met or if we ever separate.
The important question, as I explained above, is whether two people are on the same page.
If there is a bisexual woman seeking and desiring to give us the love and partnership we want, then it’s a mistake to let our own insecurities sabotage that love.
When we meet a woman who wants the same things and is on the same page, we are safe to open our hearts regardless of whether she defines herself as “lesbian” or “bisexual.”
The relevant question when we meet someone new is whether we both want the same things from our relationship.
Whatever it is you want from the woman you’re dating (whether it’s just sex or whether it’s much deeper) it’s important for the other person to be on the same page.
Otherwise someone is going to get hurt.
But in a world where LGBT women make up only approximately 10% of the population, it makes no sense to limit our dating pool even further by discriminating against women who are bisexual.
The truth about our soulmate is that she will have all kinds of things about her that we wish she didn’t have.
Whether it’s beliefs we don’t like or habits we don’t like or food/music/movie preferences she has that we don’t like… or whether it’s a more expansive range of gender preference than we have… it’s impossible to find someone that we like absolutely everything about.
That doesn’t exist.
But our ability to love goes hand in hand with our ability to accept another person fully as they are.
If we can’t fully accept someone then we can’t fully love her, because if she doesn’t feel fully accepted she will never feel safe with us.
Our soulmate deserves to be loved by us fully and fearlessly. She deserves to feel safe with us. She deserves to be able to trust that we deeply accept her for all that she is.
The more we make her feel safe with us the more she will be able to make us feel safe with her.
If the woman who wants to love us happens to be bi, the more we can accept her for who she is, the safer she will feel in our love and the more she will love us in return.
(Whereas the more we make her “wrong” for being that way, the less safe both of us will feel in our love, which will ultimately sabotage the relationship.)
When you meet your soulmate will you be willing to accept her fully and fearlessly, for all that she is?
I talk about this more in the video on the top of this page. So check it out and leave a comment and subscribe to my YouTube Channel if you haven’t already.
I am so excited for you and your woman to find each other.
Until next time keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real, and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing!
Do you want to deeply explore the secrets of female same-sex attraction so you feel more empowered when you meet the woman of your dreams? If so, watch this video to learn more.
Photo credit: @lesenlove on Instagram