Neediness In Lesbian Relationships: How To Tell If We're Being Needy

Are you being needy with her?

I get emails from women all the time, asking whether I think they’re being needy with their girlfriends…

“I want to spend more nights together with the girl I’m seeing than she wants to spend with me…”
“I say ‘I love you’ more than my girlfriend says it to me…”
“I want to cuddle more than my girlfriend ever wants to cuddle with me…”
“I want to have sex more than my girlfriend wants to…”

They all want to know: Does this mean I’m being needy with her?

How can we tell whether we are being needy with the women we are dating?

This is an important question because if we are being needy, we can end up sabotaging a perfectly good relationship, which would be tragic.

But if we’re not being needy (but for some reason we still feel like we’re needy) then that could be a “red flag” that something in our relationship is not quite right…

So it’s important, when we’re feeling needy, for us to be able to discern whether it’s us or whether it’s the relationship that’s the problem…

And this is actually a confusing question…

Because, first of all, love is irrational …

The mind is rational. But love doesn’t happen in our minds, love happens in our feelings and our hearts.

Love is where we get triggered and where we are the most sensitive, and it’s hard for us to be objective and see clearly when it comes to irrational emotions.

Second of all… when something feels like it’s going wrong, we women have a tendency to think that we are wrong.

When there’s a problem, we women have a tendency to blame ourselves and to think that we are the problem.

But oftentimes we’re not the problem!

When we are causing a problem, we need to be able to recognize what’s happening so we can change our behavior and our thoughts and our words (to stop the problem)…

But when we’re not the ones causing the problem, it’s just as important to be able to recognize that , so we can draw appropriate boundaries and protect ourselves from a hurtful situation.

So what IS neediness?

A person is being needy when she requires that her partner show her that she loves her more than a typical person would need (more than a reasonable amount.)

But what then is a “reasonable amount” that we can expect from our partners?

Well…

It’s completely reasonable to expect that our feelings be reciprocated in our partnership.

And it’s completely reasonable to want our partner to express her love for us (instead of withholding it, because withholding love can be cruel and painful for everyone involved.)

And, in general, there are five ways that people express love to each other. These are known as the “five love languages.”

The Five Love Languages…

The five love languages are:

Words of Affirmation…
Physical Touch/Affection…
Quality Time…
Acts of Service…
Giving Gifts…

Our preference…

Each of us tends to prefer to show and receive love in one or two of these five love languages.

Sometimes we end up with partners who prefer to show and receive love in a different love language than we do.

And the risk, in those situations (if we’re not careful), is that if all we do is express our own love language ( and not her’s ) our partner won’t feel as loved by us…

For example, if our “primary love language” is physical affection, but our girlfriend’s is acts of service, then we might express our love for our partner by trying to cuddle with her and touch her and make out with her… But she might feel frustrated because we “never do nice things for her” (the way she’s always going out of her way for us, since she shows her love through acts of service.)

And even though she’s always doing nice things for us, we also might feel frustrated and less wanted if she doesn’t try to make out with us or cuddle with us…

And that’s ok…

This is not what makes us needy. It’s reasonable to want to be loved in our own love language (and for our partner to want to be loved in her’s.)

This is a very normal issue that couples face, and it’s an issue that can be overcome as long as both people are willing to work together to learn each others’ love language.

So what does make someone needy?

What does make someone needy is when no amount of showing or expressing love is ever enough…

And this happens when someone has an underlying insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.

A lack of self-esteem is a hole that nobody else can ever fill for us.

If we don’t think we’re wonderful, then no amount of our girlfriend trying to show us we’re wonderful is ever going to convince us.

So if we are not satisfied with the amount of love our partner is expressing because we have low self-esteem, then we are being needy.

As much as we might sometimes blame our partners when we’re having a hard time, the important thing to understand is that our partner is not the one causing the problem. The problem is our own insecurity. And we are the only ones who can fix it.

Self-esteem is an inside job.

Self-esteem isn’t something anyone else can ever give us. It’s something we have to generate on our own…

And if we have low self-esteem, that is something we will carry to every relationship (and we’ll never feel satisfied in love) until we solve it.

Generating self-esteem…

Our level of self-esteem is not something that we’re stuck with.

There are countless resources anyone can use to increase our self-esteem.

Nathaniel Branden is considered one of the best thought leaders in the world on how to do this, and his book The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem is an incredible resource.

(I teach about Nathaniel Branden’s method in my class Magnetic Attraction for Lesbians, for anyone who’d rather skip reading the book and have me teach you the “Cliff’s Notes.”)

But it’s not important which method we use… What’s important is that we realize that our self-esteem can be increased, and that we set out to increase it if ours is low.

We can’t this job to our partner because our self-esteem is our own responsibility.

The people who love us simply don’t have the power to help us with this, even if they want to. Nobody else can increase our self-esteem on our behalf. It’s work that we must do on our own.

And it’s important work because if we don’t get a handle on this, then we are going act needy and sabotage every relationship we ever get into.

Now there’s still one more thing to discuss…

And that’s the situation that happens when we aren’t actually being needy, but we still feel needy…

Because sometimes we get into relationships where our needs simply aren’t being met.

Sometimes this happens because we pick a partner who is a bad fit…

Some people just aren’t capable of loving us the way we’re capable of loving…

For example, if we meet someone who isn’t as sensitive as we are, she might not have the level of empathy that we need in the relationship.

Or if we meet someone who isn’t as smart as we are (or if her brain works in a different way than ours does) then we might feel like we’re never understood, or like we can’t have the kinds of conversations with her that we want to have in life…

And if she’s not as physically strong as we are (or if she doesn’t have as much stamina as we have) then she might not be able to keep up with our level of activity or with our sex drive, etc.

And sometimes we date women who simply aren’t as into us as we’re into her…

And if that’s the case then our needs will not be met in the relationship.

Whether she’s not capable of loving us or whether she simply doesn’t love us, it’s not that we’re “being needy” in those situations. It’s that the relationship itself is a bad fit.

Take responsibility…

The important thing to realize is that whether we’re being needy or whether we’re just feeling needy, it’s either us or it’s the relationship that’s the problem.

We can’t blame it on the other woman, because she’s woman we chose and she’s never going to change. People don’t change.

We have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Acting needy and trying to get her to change isn’t going to work. Expecting the other woman to change is just going to keep us stuck longer in the wrong relationship.

What keeps us stuck in the wrong relationships?

The reason we stay stuck in the wrong relationships is because we’re afraid of being alone or afraid we’ll never find someone better.

But that fear is a lie.

The reason we have this fear in the first place is because humans evolved this way.

Humans have an instinctive fear of being alone, because hundreds of thousands of years ago if our ancient ancestors left their tribes, they would have died in the wilderness. Ancient humans couldn’t survive alone without their tribes, so we evolved with a fear of being alone.

The fact that we fear being alone doesn’t mean there is any actual risk that we’ll end up alone.

We have to be brave.

We have to be brave because love is real.

Human hearts are wired for love and connection.

This world is full of beautiful open-hearted people who want to love and connect the same way we do.

The only thing in the world that can keep you from finding true love is either self-sabotage or wasting time on the wrong women.

And if you’re not currently with the right woman, it means someone is out there waiting for you. And she needs you to be strong for her. She needs you to be brave and get out of any relationships that are a bad fit, and she needs you to work on increasing your self-esteem so you don’t sabotage your love when you finally find each other.

Are you willing to do that for her?

I hope so.

Until next time keep remembering that hot lesbians are everywhere, that love is real, and that the woman of your dreams is on her way into your life in perfect timing.

Wishing you all the joy and connection your heart can handle,

Jordana Michelle

Being Needy In Lesbian Relationships